The sour of the heart

When I was little, my parents liked me, well, actually it would be better to say that they loved me...

My parents built my heart right from the start, both atrias, blowing me, right in the sinus node, with the air of life, with the smell of love...

that love has stayed, until this day. As if I deserved it, as if it belonged to me... That love has propelled me through the hardships of life, it has been has a beacon and as a motor of a rocket spaceship. Every difficulty I've ever had was supressed by the aid of this belief: that I was loved, that someone cared.

Actually, I seem now to realize, they didn't care so much for me (for they did not even know me) they cared, yes, for love. They loved in love's name, because is sacred and good and, well, pleasant, and goes well and one falls in love. That's why they loved me. I was easy to love, I was small and so couldn't retort, I was dumb and so couldn't see they faults, I was young and so I couldn't see their past. I had been born but it is as if their images had also been born with me, a fresh start, a fresh opportunity to make all anew, a life without errors, where they could show how spotlessly full of love they really were.

My father and mother made contests, to see who could love me better, and I learned to love myself. Through their eyes I was, oh!, so beautiful, so nice, so well behaved. And through all that my life was worth existing. I become obsessed, or better, possessed, by their image of me. Oh, how I wanted to be that love of joy center ... the image / catalyst of higher dreams. I came to see myself as a awakener of beautiful love dreams.

Of course, anything can be a awakener of love dreams; in fact, I'm not sure if there is anything in the universe which is not at least a potential awakener of love dreams. What was different in me, was not the ability to be a mask of something beautiful, but the fact that I wanted to be that...

I wanted to be... their love. But because their love seemed so attached to this body and face of a child, a wellll behaved child, I tried to remain a child all my life. Obviously, they joy was not there, and love was not there. For both Love and Joy can only come of the Living and True Heart. That belonged to my parents, they brought that, and created that, and was just the statue that they built with the cusps of their hearts. Each kiss gave me an eye-gaze with which to look at the world, a way to feel and see things.

I am nothing but their love, and the love of all that have surrounded me since, a jigsaw puzzle of feelings and beliefs and goals... That's who pedro is... a mumbo-jumbo of articulated relations between facts and emotions.

A perspective that my parents brought and that I, pregnant with all that have passed though me, should pass on to everyone and everything and even more, topped by my own creativity...

Why should I do that?

Do I want it?

Well, if I don't exist, it is quite difficult to want do dislike anything, but the statue that my parents build was supported on its own importance. Now that it faces a bottomless emptiness where its support used to be, it's crumbling into something else.

I don't know what it is. I don't even know if I'll let you know afterwards. The ancient statue would. But a new thing is arising and how it will behave... I don't know.

I loved them, I love them, very very very much... Or do I?

Perhaps it was all a big misunderstanding: they loved me as a way to say that they really loved Love. And I loved them just the same. In fact we all just loved Love. But in the faces of each other we smacked and pampered and in any way we could, we tried so heart to paint each others' faces with the colors of Love...

And all because we loved Love!

But Love has no colors, and the more we painted, the more we come close to realize, that paintings of love are not love. Painting reminded us of our true beloved.

The statue is sad and cries, but very happy at the same time. Happy and laughing, pain and bosom in her pleasure, she truly sees, approaching, approaching, that vision, that there is nothing to loose... that she should be happy to loose her forms...

^_^