My Religion

We sometimes say «I am a Christian, a Muslim, an Atheist, an Agnostic, etc.» and by this we mean that there are certain sentences that can describe better than others our beliefs about God, freedom, the after life, etc. These sentences attribute certain adjectives to subjects, for instance: «God does not exist», «God is the final judge", "God cannot be known", etc. To support these sentences we provide either arguments or experiences or other kinds of appeal (fear, punishments, rewards, love, etc). In all these cases having a religion implies adhering to a certain set of sentences, beliefs or attitudes. Having a religion is like having a certain style, a way of seeing / interpreting the world.

I have a difficulty with this: it is hard for me to say that I am religious, even in the agnostic or atheistic varieties, but it is also difficult to say that I am not. Like many religious people around the world I feel God, the soul, the after-life, I have absolutely no doubts regarding these things. It is a constant presence, just like the colors and sounds that permeate my daily life. However, contrary to most people, I do not claim to know anything about God, the soul or the after-life. This apparent paradox between experiencing something regarding which we claim to know nothing about, is what leads me into this text in which I try to bring out the paradox, crystal clear, to the middle of the paradox which life is.

It seems to me that experiencing God is in certain ways similar to experiencing a melody. When you experience a melody you know that certain sequences of notes make sense, while others don't. However, if someone were to ask why, or if that was something universal or only some psychological trait of yours, could you answer? Are some sequence of notes really beautiful or are they just beautiful to you? I don't know! And I don't know of anyone who has been able to prove any of these views. Perhaps it's something in between. I don't know, but I know that Gould plays Bach well. He understands Bach and Bach's music gets very clear in the hands of Glenn Gould. But would Gould be able to explain the music he plays so well to anyone? Even to himself? ... Of course not! No one can, because words are not the kinds of things that can explain the beauty or sense of a melody.

I don't doubt God's existence in the same way that I don't doubt the beauty of Glenn Gould's Goldberg Variations (both versions). Does that mean that God really exists? Or is He just a word I use to express an inner fleeting feeling? I don't know. I'm not even sure that this question makes sense. What is absolutely clear to me is that it would be absurd to doubt God's existence: His presence is as clear as the beauty of Bach's music. In the same way it would be absurd to proclaim God's existence as something more than what I can clearly see of Him. Like Bach's music, it would be absurd to say: «you must see its beauty!» Of course not! The beauty is not something that can be hold, touched, smelled. It has no spatio-temporal characteristics, it cannot be presented through the senses. I can feel the beauty of Bach's music, but I certainly have no words to describe it and certainly the music can be presented (it has spatio-temporal characteristics) but it beauty can only be envisioned from the inside.

The same happens with the sensation of yellow and the experience of freedom. Do you doubt that yellow looks like, well... yellow? You cannot doubt it, because it is right there, shattering all your doubts, the yellow experience is stronger than all your doubts put together. You cannot doubt it. Can you dount that you are free? Well, certainly, in an intelectual way, in the same way you can say that qualia do not exist. But only with words. The "real" you, the you that feels, and thinks, and acts, descartes' cogito, the real you cannot doubt that his own freedom, in action or potentially. And yet... what is yellow, what is freedom? How does it fit in the world? Is yellow a product of your brain?, and what about freedom? You cannot even describe it, so how can you claim to know what it is like, if you cannot find even a single word to describe these evidences?

I claim that this is what also happens regarding my experience of God. Like yellow, like freedom, like the flowing of time, I understand them when I don't try to explain them, but when I do try to explain what they are, I get further and further away. Trying to explain Bach is not the same as hearing Bach, it might help or it may hinder. Certainly when people hold on to talking about Bach as something of importance, it is almost always a syndrome that they are annoyed to death of his music and they need something more "spicy" to keep them awake.

What I mean is this: I feel God, and yet I cannot say a single word that would apply to Him. But, in that respect, the experience of God is similar to all the other experiences we have of sounds and tastes and colors and freedom, etc. We know what these things are, in the sense that we can recognize them, but not in the sense that we can explain what they are to ourselves or to others.

So, when I look at all these religions, I feel connected to them, just as I feel connected to atheism and agnosticism. I could be all of these peregrines and martyrs and skeptics and mysterians. But in fact they all seem like people who like to shout. they picked God, but they could have picked any other thing: for instance they might want to shout about yellow: "yellow exists", "yellow exists only in your imagination", "yellow is beautiful", "yellow is ugly", "yellow is the most beautiful color", "yellow is beautiful because I see it as beautiful", "yellow is beautiful and if you can't see it, you're blind", "yellow is a construct of your brain", "yellow is the proof that the soul exists, for no brain could make you see yellow", and so on, and so on...

These are shouting people, and we should let them shout, it is good for you, for your health, it exercises the lungs, gives you something to do, makes you known, gets people to know people, to have something to bragger about. Obviously, if you prefer to just savor the colors, more and more, you will brag less and feel more. But that is a whole other story.